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Fairbanks has a crack epidemic…..

 It used to be that crack was hard to find. It would usually show up unexpectedly, around a construction site, demolition site, or perhaps under a sink or around your hot water heater. Now, it is everywhere.

 If you haven’t come across it, you needn’t look far to find some. A quick drop-in at any one of the many drive through coffee huts in town, and you are guaranteed some crack with your morning espresso and bagel.

 One could imagine that an honest exchange at one of these huts could go like this:

Coffee girl: “Good morning.”

Customer: “Good morning”

Cg: “What can I get for you today?”

Cust: “Uh, how about an Americano, room for cream.”

Cg: “Certainly and how would you like your crack today?”

Cust: “Well, what are my choices?

Cg: “Well, we have Cindy- the petite brunette with the tattoo, Lisa- the Britney Spears look-alike, and Darla, the curvy blond.”

Cust: “How about the petite brunette with the tattoo on her lower back…. oh, hold on just a second, on second thought lets have the curvy blond. She seems to have more on display today.”

Cg: “Certainly, she’ll have your Americano for you in one moment. That’ll be a dollar-fifty, and, as always, the crack is on us.”

Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the crack we all have, but most of us don’t choose to share. It has become an epidemic. No longer is a low-neckline enough to attract the attention of would be suitors, we now have butt cleavage. And it is reaching epidemic proportions, literally. And it isn’t limited to the coffee stands.

Just the other day, my family and I were in the grocery store; harmlessly picking our way through the store to the milk, when- out of nowhere, along it came. That’s right, crack, hanging out of a pair of low-riding hip hugging jeans on a young woman, fresh out of the maternity ward. Now, what was she thinking? There are just certain things I don’t want to know about people in the grocery store, what kind of underwear they wear, whether they washed their hands the last time they used the bathroom, and whether or not they have a hairy ass.

Now, I will confess to living in Fairbanks, Alaska. Skin here is usually not exposed, and when it is, it usually has an iridescent glow akin to a dead corpse; a dead, rotting corpse that has more than likely been submerged for more than a week. (Thanks to the coffee girls for their fake tans- your efforts don’t go unnoticed; I appreciate not having to get out my sunglasses every time I want a cup of coffee.) And, having been outside (what Alaskan’s call the lower 48 states), I will admit that skin does exist and is shown more frequently elsewhere. Fairbanks may just be catching up on the fashion curve. Frankly, I don’t know how anything gets done down there with so much skin to distract you, but that is another story. My modesty, I admit, may be a reflection of where I live.

Still, I can’t help reacting to the exposure. I haven’t discussed it with any other men, but I suspect I’m not alone in wishing I had a spit wad, or pea shooter, or maybe even some spare change to toss into the depths of the unknown, perhaps even following it up with a wish. It is likely that such boyhood mischievousness would come to bodily harm, my own, either by my wife or the offending crack’s owner. Still, it is the thought of any deposited, unhygienic change reentering the hands of the unsuspecting public that holds me back.

The Crack Off

I have a solution to the Fairbanks crack epidemic. It is time to get the pros: the contractors, plumbers, and electricians who have proudly carried the crack banner for decades- maybe even centuries, and have them face off the coffee girls in the world’s first Crack Off. Winners retain the right to expose themselves for the next year. Losers have to cover it up.

We’ll get the hairy, beer bellied, unwashed men in their Carharts and tighty-whitey’s lined up against the coffee girls and whatever they wear, or don’t.

Contestants will be judged on their ability to maintain a consistent level of exposure. Too much- disqualified. Too little- you are sent back to high school, or to your union apprenticeship.

The judges will get sunglasses, pea shooters, and change.

Judges will need to be impartial. And probably single. Possibly blind. Have an aversion to coffee. Have working plumbing……

Maybe this won’t work after all.

 

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