Posts Tagged ‘promiscous’

Janie, my wife, and I have a running battle about my refusal to buy used books. She buys used books to read; shares used books; and even sells her new and used books to the used book store. She has no problem being intimate with these books, using them for her own pleasure than passing them on like a, like a, well I really don’t know. Maybe a used car. Or toothbrush.

But, to be blunt, she doesn’t mind her books being promiscuous.

I, on the other hand, like my books unblemished. I don’t want any dog-eared corners (unless I made them), no notes in the margins (unless I wrote them), coffee stains throughout (unless I spilled it) and definitely no broken backs (unless I broke them, of course). And those are just the cosmetic concerns.

When it comes right down to it, I struggle with the thought of reading a book someone else has had a relationship with. I develop a relationship with the book (even I if don’t like it) that is intimate and very personal.

Which may be one reason why my wife and I never read the same books, as documented in Book Wars. I just can’t handle cozying up to a book that has slept with my wife.

An intuitive mind might suggest that I like my books to be virgins, untouched and unblemished by any previous relationships.

They would probably be right. (Interpret that, Dr. Freud.)

Oh sure, I know books from the bookstore are not untouched. But a little experimentation is ok. A peak at the inside of a book jacket, a little stroke down the spine, maybe even a peek at the first chapter is the equivalent of a little innocent teenage necking. (Remember, I’m talking about books.) It should be expected but not condoned. And it sure is a lot different than going all the way with someone.

I mean, can you imagine curling up in bed with a book that has been around.

I can, and it’s not pretty.

Don’t you worry about BTD’s (book transmitted diseases)? I mean, BTD’s have to exist; there is a disease for sharing anything else. Combs have head lice, beds have bed bugs, food can transmit the flu, computers have viruses, jocks have jock itch, shoes have athlete’s foot, and mosquitos have West Nile, Malaria, and who know what else. (Note: we share mosquitoes in Alaska, even though there are plenty to go around.)

Come on, where are the public service announcements on BTD’s. We could be on the verge of an epidemic!

And it gets worse.

The other day I was browsing the web and came across an article on www.bookcrossing.com. Now, I knew this sort of thing existed, but I didn’t expect to find it right out in the open. This is the equivalent of a swinger’s club for books.

If you don’t know, people (perverts, I say) leave these books out in public places for strangers to pick up, then post where they left them on the web so that the johns can find the book. They track where they have been by a sticker in the front cover.

These people are the equivalent of pimps. Book pimps.

And when the Centers for Disease Control finally start tracking BTD’s, all they’ll have to do is look up bookcrossing.com to trace where those books have been to find the source of the disease. Disgusting.

So, next time you think about visiting the used book store, or see a book left unsuspecting on a park bench, think about this blog, and BTD’s, and go get yourself a virgin, book that is.

And if you know me, and see me, don’t mention this article, my face goes beet red at any mention of anything sexual- which this article is definitely not. It is all about books.

And Janie, keep those used books on your side of the bed, I don’t want any BTD’s getting into my harem, ahem, I mean stack, of virgins, ack, I mean, new books.

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